


Card game

by Patatarte



Series: Love around the living room [10]
Category: Cow Chop
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, ace aleks, care, doubts, im projecting so im sorry for what you are about to read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 13:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14106171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patatarte/pseuds/Patatarte
Summary: He never thought he'd love him so much. He never planned too, and that hurts. It hurts because Aleks is sure that Brett wants more in a relationship than cuddles and chilling times together. He tried to keep himself at a distance, but failed in a second.





	Card game

He never thought he'd love him so much. He never planned too, and that hurts. It hurts because Aleks is sure that Brett wants more in a relationship than cuddles and chilling times together. He tried to keep himself at a distance, but failed in a second.

The problem of craving affection.

Aleks loses sleep over it, thinking too much of his situation and how it's eating him. He just loves that man, so much, wants to be with him, but can't possibly offer what the other wants.. Hell, he'll never even be able to tell him that he's not into sex, he'll be looked down, looked like someone with a problem and he doesn't want that look in Brett's eyes.

So he gets irritated and irritating. 

He takes his nerves on James, drinks more, gets slowly insufferable. Somehow it makes him feels safer, to put a wall like this between the people and him. Well, the wall falls when he's alone in his room and trying not to feel too pathetic when a wave of sadness takes him whole.

He feels so lonely.

It can't be healthy, never was in the first place, but he doesn't know how to get over it.  
He just loves Brett, works in the same place as him, is a friend (a good friend, he hopes). Fuck, at that point even keeping friendship is stressful !

After seeing some footage, he can tell how needy he looks, how touchy he is, how craving for anything affection related he really is. The lingering glares bother him to death.

Brett invites him to a party, something simple at a friend's house, lot of booze, blasting music and soft lights. Everything up to Aleks' alley ! And yet, Aleks thinks it's better if he keeps himself at his place, drink here and look miserable for only Mishka and Celia.

The party goes without him, and he looks at snaps of it with a bittersweet realization that the happiness of the other means more than his own.

Sure, Aleks brags about dates, sexual intercourses like every guys do. It's a compensation right ? He's a man after all, sex is what makes a man a man, right ? But it's all dust and wind, it's just words that he tries to incarnate. Fuck, he even wants to try dating to get his head over Brett but doesn't have a clue how to do that in his...Condition ?

Is he sick ? He searched and it doesn't seem so. It's just that there's people who likes sex, some who find it necessary, some who aren't into it at all. Yeah, some people think he might be sick, and sometimes he thinks so himself.

There's his fair share of people being positive about it and others saying you are some sort of freak. He knows what love is, and wants someone to call his own, to call his lover, but when he looks up mentions of romantic and yet not sexual dates, people say "ah, it's just what friendships are, idiot, fucking useless piece of shit, get out of your house."

Aleks knows what friendship is, he also knows what being in love means.

He can't help but like the idea of kisses and sex but it doesn't apply to him, he doesn't want to try that even. He doesn't want to be a part of it, and there's no trauma behind it despites what people believe. Who on earth would want that with him ? Not the man his heart screams for, he's sure of it.

When, some days after, Brett looks concerned for him and tries to talk about it, Aleks almost cries. He feels so cornered and has no real excuses, he just feels stupid and trapped, lost at best. When Brett gives a small tap on his shoulder that he stops to give a full hug, Aleks tries his best not to sob.

I love you, I love you so much it hurts. I want to be in your arms, show you stupid shits, I want to share meals with you and act all disgusted by all vegan stuff when I just really care and will remember details of it to surprise you one day. I want to watch movies with you and laugh and kiss your cheek and beard. I want you to kiss my neck and whispers that you love me.

He screams internally, looks jaded from the outside.

There's tears ready to fall but he hides them well. He's glad James seems happy with his girlfriend, jokes about some stuff with him, tries not to act too envious of his happiness, plays the seducer's card that doesn't want to settle.

He goes to strip clubs with friends, spend money here and meme more than none. Sure, he's not blind, he knows what good bodies look like and appreciate them. He still feels weird that people doesn't get him when he understands them.

On one sunday, he goes to the warehouse, feeling like he's not really here. It's just how it feels on sundays thought, so he doesn't really care about it. The sun bathes the place, but it's empty and silent and he just chills on an abandoned couch beside tons of props. He's waiting for the others and his mind is at peace for the time being.

He saw Brett's cubicle car in the parking lot and doesn't bother the man yet. He's probably in his office doing god-knows-what. It's sunday, he gives him some space at last.

But then he opens his eyes and realizes he fell asleep.

There's silence still, but not a full silence. There's police's sirens from a distance and- and a breathy laugh coming from the old couch. Aleks jerks up, sits and regrets doing so, but sees Brett that has his phone in hands, but looking at him.

That soft smile kills him.

There's care in the man's voice too, asking if he's okay. Aleks dismisses it, asks where the others are and Brett says it's not going to happen today, that Jakob and Asher are sick from eating something bad. First time it happens, it's fine, they'll find a way to get back to something. Aleks grunts and takes his phone to send few texts to them, to know their situation and if they are okay enough or if they need someone for something.

In the meantime, Brett keeps looking at him. It's not done in a secretive way so Aleks just tries to ignore it until Brett's voice rises.

You look tired.

He probably does. But it's fine, he says back, he's used to it, nothing to worry about. But then there's Brett standing and leaning to him, too wide and impressive. 

A hand goes on his cheek, cupping nicely despites Brett being so strong. Aleks dies inside, wants to resist but leans into the touch and closes his eyes, looking in pain. It's warm and nice, doesn't mean shit but he can't fight anymore.

His own hands goes on Brett's one, keeping it there like dear life and Brett shushes, whispers a question that Aleks doesn't listen to.

He's pathetic, Aleks feels nauseous and wants to dash to the bathroom and puke himself away. But he stays here with the warm hand against his cheek, feels like crying and yelling and saying sorry for some stupid reasons.

Brett leans more and Aleks can just feel it, eyes still closed. Aleks feels the kiss on his hair, feels the other hand around his shoulder, the care in the gesture that kills him. Brett cares, like a good friend will, and it's even worse.

Aleks lets words spill out of his mouth, about love, about being sorry, about feeling so stupid and pathetic. All along, Brett keeps him safe in his arms, moving one hand in Aleks' back, reassuring, listening. There's so much to say, and Aleks isn't even sure he's making sense, he doesn't think his words, it just spills and probably are confusing.

Brett should let go of him. Will probably do that in a second and tell him that, yeah, he's fucked up in the head, that he needs to cut that shit out, to leave him alone and focus on someone else than him.

He should, right ?

No words, just a tight embrace, a warm hand and another kiss on his hair. It makes Aleks feel so weak, so fragile, he hates it. Hates every second of it. Doesn't want it to stop either. Aleks cries and is sorry about it, about the man he wants to impress since so long. He's messing up but maybe it'll change and be better to get it out of his chest. He hopes.

He's so tired, wants to fall asleep after crying and being free of that heavy burden. In fact, he wants to sleep and never wake up after this, too scared of the change it might start.

But there's words suddenly, carefully said. Brett took his time to think, tries to grasp what Aleks meant by what he just said. He understands, in his own way, talks about caring about Aleks a lot, talks about... Love ? There's honesty, about not expecting that of him, but not in a bad way. There's words about trying, about Brett getting to his level, about that long time of not knowing what to do despite the look they gave to each others.

Brett moves, sits next to Aleks, hands still on him. He moves him, have him lie in his arms, like a protective pieta. There's whispers, telling him not to worry, to sleep and be safe. Aleks is so tired and yet doesn't want to close his eyes in fear that this actual dream will disappear if he does so.

Maybe he's dreaming everything, he doesn't know, but the warmth and safety of those arms are enough to make him feel like home, at last.


End file.
